Day Three of the 2010 World Cup: Quick, Before Ze Germans Get Here!

It’s the birthright of every soccer fan to make fun of the Germans using cheap allusions to the Second World War in order to distract from the timeless, inexorable reality that no matter what you do, no matter how good you are, you will not beat Germany at soccer. It is simply verboten.

Some lovely stuff from Ghana and The German Menace today, while Slovenia, Algeria, and Serbia did not distinguish themselves. Here’s my brief analysis of the matches from Sunday, June 13.

Algeria 0-1 Slovenia – Sometimes you can tell that a game is going to end scoreless.  This game seemed destined for 0-0, a result that would have suited the United States and England very well indeed.  Both sides were fairly well-organized in defense, the passing from both sides lacked precision, and there was no creativity from either side in attack.

Abdelkader Ghezzal proved with his dodgy haircut that there’s no accounting for taste, and he also proved the legendary Bullet Tooth Tony correct when he said we should “never underestimate the predictability of stupidity” by getting himself sent off for a stupid foul and a needless handball offense just minutes after coming on as a substitute. Ghezzal’s World Cup is now probably over. Good riddance.

That ejection opened the game up just enough for Robert Koren’s winning goal, which should have been saved easily but instead was fumbled into the net by the inept Faouzi Chaouchi.  My buddy Sam swears that Chaouchi and Rob Green must have thought they were playing volleyball, and it’s hard to disagree. Algeria is left with a mountain to climb, likely needing wins against both England and the United States to qualify for the knockout phase of the tournament.

The three points for Slovenia may be the only ones they get. Based on today’s evidence the USA and England should be too strong for the tiny Adriatic nation; however, a draw against the United States would leave the American Soccerball Squadron needing a win against Algeria in the third match to progress to the second round. As Algeria are likely to be mathematically eliminated by that stage, the Slovenia-England match now looks to be all-important.

Serbia 0-1 Ghana – Your correspondent is happy to eat his words today. Despite missing very important players in Michael Essien and Sulley Muntari, the Black Stars made a (theoretically) strong Serbian side look timid and boring. Milan Jovanović looked useful on the left but his final ball was disappointing every time. Other than Jovanović and Branislav Ivanović, the Serbs looked to be physically outmatched at every position. Miloš Krasić was especially useless on the right wing and further disgraced himself by looking like an underfed Russian pop star.

The scoreline flattered the Serbs; Ghana was positive, inventive and played with urgency while Serbia was largely reactive except for Jovanović. The Argentinian referee Hector Baldassi made the game closer than it needed to be by hating on the excellently named Prince Tagoe, whistling him for fouls several times when he was actually the victim and even denying him a clear penalty in the first half. Ghana are now in a great position to advance to the second round and nobody will want to face them.

Germany 4-0 Australia The Sinister Teutonic Menace opened their World Cup campaign with an excellent performance from the youngest German side in the modern history of the competition. Excellently organized, very patient, and playing incisive passes that cut the Australian defense to ribbons, it really could have been a great deal worse than 4-0.

Well-taken goals from a confused Polack, another confused Polack, an impostor in a Gerd Müller shirt, a confused Brazilian, and a confused Turk was unlucky to have his goalbound shot cleared off the line by Filthy Lucre Neill. I’ll let the highlights speak for themselves. At this early stage it is difficult to tell whether Germany are that good or if the Socceroos are just really, really not very good. Tim Cahill’s red card was harsh and ought to be rescinded; however the damage was already done and his ejection probably did not affect the scoreline.

This was probably the best performance by a German side at a World Cup since 1990. Based on today’s evidence they should maul Serbia and have the group all but won by the time they take on Ghana. So often, the form sides in the early stages of the competition flame out before the semifinals (see Argentina 2006 and Spain since 1930); however, you just know the Germans will not do that. You just know that they will efficiently sweep everyone aside as their ancestors did in their adventurous, swashbuckling campaigns into Czechoslovakia, Poland, the Netherlands, Belgium, France, channel islands of the United Kingdom, the Baltics, the Ukraine, parts of Russia, and North Africa. It’s just what they do.

Just as it was seventy years ago, it will be up to the United States and England to halt the advance of the Hun Bastard and prevent him from establishing a beachhead for lebensraum in Africa. Joachim Löw looks to be a worthy successor to Field Marshall Erwin Rommell; who will be his George Patton?

~ by patricklfc on 13 June, 2010.

3 Responses to “Day Three of the 2010 World Cup: Quick, Before Ze Germans Get Here!”

  1. Ve haf our Tiger Panzers already fueled and fertig to go!

  2. Shit, I knew it.

  3. Not bad man, not bad. Your last paragraph made up for the current lack of WW2 anologies in the English tabloids. Keep up the good work.

    Greetings from almighty Deutschland 😉

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